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It's a man thing
(Preview)
Thought you might enjoy a smile on this gloomy day.. Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a h...
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1113
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NOT INTENDED TO MAKE LIGHT OF OUR GLOBAL PANDEMIC
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don...
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Dating in 1957
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You need to be able to remember this era to appreciate this. It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. “Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do toni...
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Mrs. Hughes
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toomuchjunk
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Movie legends
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So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks." Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?" "...
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Mask that will save millions
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And we thought it was just spam calls
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Wild mushrooms.
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A Story About Eating Wild Mushrooms I’ll bet no one will ever eat at her house again!She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream? "N...
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At take your kids to work day..
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An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on "Take Your Kid to Work Day"As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky.Her father asked what was wrong with her.As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: "Daddy, where are all the clow...
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Church Service
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. So...
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The dangers of snowmen
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8:00 am: I made a snowman. . 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. . 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. . 8:20 - The gay couple living near...
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BULL TALK
(Preview)
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I do...
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A Classic
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An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21...
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Living life on the edge
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My wife asked me if she was the only one I've ever been with. I replied "Yes, the others were either a nine or a ten." 
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True Love?
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One evening, after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time ou...
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It's definitely DEAD
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed,...
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this weekend
(Preview)
Wife asks husband what he plans to do this weekend. He says he was thinking of being like Jesus, hanging out with his buddy's all weekend, traveling around the country and talking to whoever would listen. Husband then asks wife the same thing. She says if that is the case then I will be like Mary. Like...
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Marten
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Free Sex with Gas
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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales. So heput up a sign that read: "Free Sex with Fill-Up, justguess the right number between 1 and 10." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his FreeSex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If heguessed corr...
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GMDad
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Pictures for "Seniors"
(Preview)
WARNING: If you are not a senior you cannot look at these pictures because you will not understand!</>If you remember most of these -You (like me) must be really old.Spread the laughter, share the cheer,Let's be happy while we're still here!!!
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The Life of a Retired HUSBAND
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The Life of a Retired HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to...
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metal tools
(Preview)
As a carpenter the running joke when my kids were younger was to use a board stretcher to make things work. Well over the holidays I was lucky enough to get some metal working tools. My youngest went with me to buy them. One of the things I wanted was a shrinker stretcher. I had trouble finding the unit...
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Marten
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SENIORS FOLLOWING THE DIRECTIONS
(Preview)
SENIORS FOLLOWING THE DIRECTIONSI went to my nearby Shoppers Drug Mart, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help meI said...
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Getting married in Heaven
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On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him if the...
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The moral code
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This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for a stroll at the marina. I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock toward me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!” and "Death to all Infidels!,” when he suddenly tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay...
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a second opinion
(Preview)
Second Opinion! The doctor said, Fred the good news is I can cure your headaches.. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pr...
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WHAT STARTS WITH f???
(Preview)
What starts with F ?? A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I t...
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new fall hat
(Preview)
a farmer buddy sent this to me -
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teachers and cops
(Preview)
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!) 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3...
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OUR TURN WILL COME, LOL
(Preview)
Raisin Bread A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he...
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WHERE DO YOU FILL UP?
(Preview)
Remember? The owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say he had restored the carto perfection over the last few years, and sent this: On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town. It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, but he wanted ic...
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