Todays Funny

shag766 · shag766

The Blond Wins One. A blonde city girl named Martha marries a Colorado rancher.One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Martha,"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the...

shag766 · shag766

FAMOUS HISTORICAL SAYINGS: "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." - FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT "Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." JOHN F. KENNEDY “ is this the end of the beginning or the beginning o...

shag766 · shag766

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to death on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking. "Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote can have Monday off," said the teacher. "Who is credited w...

shag766 · shag766

Subject: A blind man wanders into a biker bar... A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silen...

shag766 · shag766

Subject: Letter to Irish Railway Co. Your Morning Smile- Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is wor...

teejay99 · teejay99

teejay99 · teejay99

admin · admin

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me t...

teejay99 · teejay99

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds …Only 15 to go 2. Ate salad for dinner …Mostly croutons & tomatoes ... Actually just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce …And cheese... OK, it was a pizza... I ate a pizza 3.How to prepare Tofu: Throw it in the trash and then grill some M...

40bowtie · 40bowtie

Two stoners are walking along a railroad track, stoned. One stoner says "This is a really long staircase, man!" The other stoner says "I don't mind the stairs, man. It's this crazy low handrail thats killing me."

teejay99 · teejay99

teejay99 · teejay99

teejay99 · teejay99

58chev · 58chev

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I...

teejay99 · teejay99

Alberta Black Bear ......Banff National Park : This is a very sad story about a formerly well-balanced wild bear... Everybody should heed the warnings not to feed wildlife... because they become dependent... and don't forage for themselves any longer. It is such a tragedy to see what has b...

teejay99 · teejay99

admin · admin

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on ! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk !" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I ha...

Miss T Bucket · Miss T Bucket

So a penguin is driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car breaks down. Luckily, he's pretty close to gas station. So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes. So the penguin is...

parklane · parklane

Well, it seems there were 2 Newfies that worked together that were laid off. At the unemployment office they were asked where they worked, what they did there etc. The first goes in, and when asked what he did, he replied that he sewed ladies underwear. Person from office looks in her book, and finds the...

admin · admin

'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN NEWFOUNDLAND ' 'Hello, is this the Police Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..' 'Thank you ve...

teejay99 · teejay99

teejay99 · teejay99

The Newfoundland Department of Employment believed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help. An agent was sent to the fishing village of Burin to investigate the boat owner. GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Owner: "Well, there's C...

teejay99 · teejay99

https://www.facebook.com/1611753862/videos/vb.1611753862/1941780796830/?type=2&theater

teejay99 · teejay99

Senior Wedding Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The ph...

teejay99 · teejay99

Employee Notice For Old People .. Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This sche...

40bowtie · 40bowtie

Kathleen Wynne's new plan on environment friendly transportation [URL=http://s1137.photobucket.com/user/40bowtie/media/Libtard/HybridBike_zps3rhvwpdk.jpg.html][/U...

40bowtie · 40bowtie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kE9-_yY1LAk

58chev · 58chev

Lettuce, Whores and Hockey Players ... A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into th...

GMDad · GMDad

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. “Kenneth," he says. "And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks. "I have three questions," he...

admin · admin

Topic		Started By	Replies	Views	Last Post
	one for the blondes (Preview) *The Blond Wins One.* *A blonde city girl named Martha marries a Colorado rancher.One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says* to Martha,"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the...**	shag766	1	358	Oct 31, 2016 by Janies dirty 37
	i had to-it seemed quite here- lol (Preview) *FAMOUS HISTORICAL SAYINGS:* *"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." -* *FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT* *"Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can* *do for your country."* *JOHN F. KENNEDY* *“ is this the end of the beginning or* *the beginning o...*	shag766	2	437	Oct 29, 2016 by Matchless
	i guess this was inevitable (Preview) Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to death on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking. "Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote can have Monday off," said the teacher. "Who is credited w...	shag766	0	348	Oct 28, 2016 by shag766
	on a lighter note (Preview) Subject: A blind man wanders into a biker bar... A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silen...	shag766	1	415	Oct 22, 2016 by wuga
	irish logic (Preview) Subject: Letter to Irish Railway Co. *Your Morning Smile-* Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is wor...	shag766	2	439	Oct 21, 2016 by 54vicky
	Redneck Ingenuity (Preview)	teejay99	6	593	Oct 6, 2016 by Cr55
	Yard Sales .....another thing I tend to avoid (Preview)	teejay99	11	902	Aug 21, 2016 by Janies dirty 37
	Psychiatrist vs. Bartender ... (Preview) Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me t...	admin	1	646	Aug 15, 2016 by Janies dirty 37
	Thoughts of a Retiree (Preview) 1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds …Only 15 to go 2. Ate salad for dinner …Mostly croutons & tomatoes ... Actually just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce …And cheese... OK, it was a pizza... I ate a pizza 3.How to prepare Tofu: Throw it in the trash and then grill some M...	teejay99	3	482	Aug 11, 2016 by Miss T Bucket
	Stoners (Preview) Two stoners are walking along a railroad track, stoned. One stoner says "This is a really long staircase, man!" The other stoner says "I don't mind the stairs, man. It's this crazy low handrail thats killing me."	40bowtie	16	929	Aug 5, 2016 by red-oak
	Cheap Anti-Theft (Preview)	teejay99	6	595	Aug 4, 2016 by 58chev
	20 reasons to Laugh Today (Preview)	teejay99	0	393	Jul 19, 2016 by teejay99
	Remember When ? (Preview)	teejay99	9	450	Jul 18, 2016 by El Toro
	Can I take the dog for a walk? (Preview) A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I...	58chev	0	333	Jul 12, 2016 by 58chev
	Alberta Bear (Preview) Alberta Black Bear ......Banff National Park : This is a very sad story about a formerly well-balanced wild bear... Everybody should heed the warnings not to feed wildlife... because they become dependent... and don't forage for themselves any longer. It is such a tragedy to see what has b...	teejay99	4	469	Jul 10, 2016 by El Toro
	Good Advice (Preview)	teejay99	0	348	Jul 9, 2016 by teejay99
	A Duck Tale (Preview) A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on ! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk !" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I ha...	admin	0	431	Jun 22, 2016 by admin
	The Penquin (Preview) So a penguin is driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car breaks down. Luckily, he's pretty close to gas station. So he waddles behind his car and pushes it to the gas station. He asks the mechanic to take a look and find the problem. Mechanic tells him to come back in 30 minutes. So the penguin is...	Miss T Bucket	1	307	Jun 9, 2016 by teejay99
	An Other Newfie Joke (Preview) Well, it seems there were 2 Newfies that worked together that were laid off. At the unemployment office they were asked where they worked, what they did there etc. The first goes in, and when asked what he did, he replied that he sewed ladies underwear. Person from office looks in her book, and finds the...	parklane	0	570	Jun 6, 2016 by parklane
	Cutting firewood... (Preview) 'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN NEWFOUNDLAND ' 'Hello, is this the Police Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..' 'Thank you ve...	admin	2	514	Jun 6, 2016 by Matchless
	Honesty (Preview)	teejay99	2	367	Jun 6, 2016 by Matchless
	The Newfie Boat Owner (Preview) The Newfoundland Department of Employment believed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help. An agent was sent to the fishing village of Burin to investigate the boat owner. GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Owner: "Well, there's C...	teejay99	1	500	Jun 6, 2016 by Matchless
	Dog- gone-it (Preview) https://www.facebook.com/1611753862/videos/vb.1611753862/1941780796830/?type=2&theater	teejay99	0	475	May 27, 2016 by teejay99
	Senior Wedding (Preview) Senior Wedding Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The ph...	teejay99	1	501	May 17, 2016 by tc
	Good News for us Old Farts (Preview) Employee Notice For Old People .. Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This sche...	teejay99	1	418	May 9, 2016 by shag766
	Kathleen Wynne (Preview) Kathleen Wynne's new plan on environment friendly transportation [URL=http://s1137.photobucket.com/user/40bowtie/media/Libtard/HybridBike_zps3rhvwpdk.jpg.html][/U...	40bowtie	2	600	May 3, 2016 by Janies dirty 37
	No offence, but .. (Preview) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kE9-_yY1LAk	40bowtie	1	584	Apr 27, 2016 by toomuchjunk
	Lettuce, Whores and Hockey Players ... (Preview) Lettuce, Whores and Hockey Players ... A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into th...	58chev	0	477	Apr 25, 2016 by 58chev
	Johnny in school (Preview) Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. “Kenneth," he says. "And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks. "I have three questions," he...	GMDad	0	357	Apr 24, 2016 by GMDad
	Little Johny On a school trip to the farm.. (Preview)	admin	1	453	Apr 24, 2016 by GMDad
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