Talked to him earlier this week. All is well, other than he is tired, but leg is healing. Not much else to inform you about, course I may have forgot half the things we talked about. You know what they say, "A man loses three things when he gets old. The first is your memory, and I forget the other two".
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if you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
Hello and thanks for thinking of me guys:. I guess it's time for ME to do an update.. It has been a hell of an 8 month journey for me and I will still be a bit slow for a another month or so yet.. My leg, has almost healed up, still a month or so till it's covered with a scab or some skin.. But, no more of that unbearable pain.. I went pretty crazy with that pain for way to many months. At one point I was on 8 different pain pills at the same time.. I had some pretty bad reactions and ended up in the hospital pretty sick and then went through almost 2 months of withdrawal that was not pleasant either.. I am crawling my way back to life slowly..Some pictures of leg from last Wednesday..
That is 8 months now since I injured it.. I am so glad to be past that pain... I will never forget how many times I prayed for death with the pain I had..
In April I got really sick from from withdrawal and had fallen in the house and was pretty much incapacitated for a couple days until my son found found me.. My poor wife was alone here and I couldn't get up to feed or help her.. My Wife was diagnosed with dementia in 2011. I have been taking care of here for the last several years as I just did not want to put her in long term care locked up for the rest of her life.. I read everything I could about it and tried about everything I could to ward it off to no avail. It just continued to get worse.. But I was always able to manage it and look after her up until I hurt my leg..As the leg injury just kept getting worse it became so much harder for me to take care of her to make sure she was showering and having clean clothes. I did not notice as I got sicker and sicker that she was not changing her PJs and she got an infection.. then I was not feeding her decent meals as I could only do a lot more frozen microwaved meals..Then when I ended up in the hospital my daughter came from Merrickville and stayed for a month to help me.. But with everything going on the CCA, my Dr , and the altzhiemers society, made the decision that Diane was not safe here with me. So Diane had to go into long term care in a nursing home.. I was really sick for a bit and all those damn pills did some damage to my heart.. I lost a lot of muscle and have been pretty weak from not being able to breath for a few days in the hospital and they really kicked my ass with stuff a couple nights when they thought I was not going to make it through the night.. I had to get a lawyer to come to the hospital to do my power of attorney and update my will as for a day or so it looked a bit bleak.. I guess the good lord was not ready for me yet as, Here I am still kicking and working my way back..
This has not been an easy journey for me.. I lost about 8 months of my life and boy has it changed my life , When I first came home and Diane was in long term care and I had to face the future alone knowing Diane will never come home home again..I got horribly depressed and cried my self to sleep for a month.. I really didn't want to see or talk to anybody.. I just wanted Diane to come home and my life to return back to the way it was.. If I had not injured my leg, I know I would still be taking care of her at home.. Our life had changed a lot over the last few years for sure.. I did how-ever manage to take good care of her during the last 6 years and very few people knew she had dementia including my kids.. I just never told them and I always just covered it up and I learned all the little tricks to fool them.. I did not want to lose her..We have been going out since we were 15 and no our marriage was not perfect but, Damn I loved her I promised when we got married that I would always take care of her.. I got pretty depressed and have felt like a loser since I hurt my leg and now she is in a home . Locked up. Not one day goes by yet that I feel so lonesome without her here..I make her supper every day and take it to her so I can spend a couple hours with her.. I know she does not really understand what's going on and she wants to come home every day I see her.. It just tears my guts out leaving her everyday and coming home to an empty house..I hate it and I just hate getting up everyday..I miss her so much Some days are unbearable..If I didn't have my faith and few very close friend that been here for me anytime I needed some support I don't know how I would have made it this far..A couple people who have here to support me Greg_red-oak.. A great friend always been here to do or help with anything.. John Vandenberg " Parklane" who prayed with me and for me.. Meant a lot to me..at my lowest points.. Except for being so lonely I am coming to grips with the fact Diane will never come home again.. I guess my prayers now would be that she does not linger on indefinitely not knowing anybody or anything.. Dementia is an extreme cruel disease.. I can't find the words to describe my loneliness with out Diane..Right now I struggle everyday wishing I could turn back the clock.. I am struggling trying to find a reason to get up and do anything.. Most days I just kill time waiting till I can make and bring her supper so I can spend those few precious hours with her. My life seems so empty right now.. I am trying to get my chit together to move forward..Not easy when you lose your partner after 60 years of marriage..
I started to wire a truck for my Son this week on his 50 Ford.. I have been working away at it this week trying to occupy my mind .. I only manage 3 or 4 hrs a day as My heart is just not into it yet but, my son is kicking my ass to get at it..and I am trying .. So far I have not had the energy or the desire to even get my car out at all this year.. I am trying to break this cycle of depression so I can move on and laugh again..I don't think I am good company to anybody as of yet as, I am still stuck in my own grief.. I am working at trying to get back to some normalcy in my life.. and I am slowly getting a little more used to sleeping alone even if it is only 4 or 5 hours a night..I do not sleep good anymore.. I feel tired a lot.. Be greatful for what you got and be good to your partner . You never know when you might lose her.. I can tell you getting old sucks and I miss Diane so much, I don't know how I will get on with the rest of my life with out her .. Feels to me that my life as I know it has already ended..I do not like my new life with out Diane.. Friends are great but they can never take the place of my best friend Diane..
Thanks for the update. I can not imagine what it would be like without my lifetime partner for last 45 years but think today will be her day. After reading your post and taking time to let it sink in as you think things will continue on as they have for the last few decades. Bless you man and keep the faith...
Great song:.. But when I listen to songs like that It just makes me sad and miss her more..I have packed my guitars up and I doubt at this point I will ever play again.. It's like my cars, They were all part of Diane and I and our life of 60 years together..I have zero interest in any of that stuff right now. I think to move on I need to let let all that stuff go and find a new reason to live for the last chapter of my life..I need to change direction some how..Right now I am just getting by one day at a time and I Thank God every day that I still can still sit, hold her, and visit with Diane even though She does not always understand our conversation. I just appreciate being able to see and touch her still..I have not felt any joy in my life since she has left our home.. I hate coming home and I just want to sell this place and move.. Every where I am in the house her scent, and her stuff just make me miss her and remember all the good times we shared.. It seems to me my joy has left with her.. I will continue to take one day at a time and hope one day soon I might find a reason to laugh and have some life left to live.. Right Now I just plan to spend every day I can with her.. It's the most terrible feeling in the world every time I leave her there.. It's unbelievable the feeling I have when I walk out and leave her all alone in a strange place.. I pray that she is not scared, and that they look after her with compassion.. I am so scared for her.. I can't help going home realizing, she will have to spend the rest of her life locked up for her safety..it just kills me to leave her alone in a strange place with strangers who really don't love her.... I miss her so much...
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There is no elevator to success — you have to take the stairs.
I had admired my wife from afar for years before we were married. It took some guts and I walked in to the store she managed and the rest is well her story
Chuck , I always cry when I hear this song and I listen to it when I need to remember my Dad.And when it's on the radio, I cry.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGDA0Hecw1k
We could never agree on anything , he died ten years ago Saturday.
He left us when I was 2 and Mom raised her two boys. Now I am looking after her,
Junior
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Government is a broker in pillage, and every election is sort of an advance auction sale of stolen goods. HL Mencken. 1919.
"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever." George Orwell 1984
I do not know you sir, but I can certainly admire you for what you've been through! The thought of not being able to take care of someone you love is a hurt most of us cannot comprehend until it happens to you. Do NOT blame yourself for any of this! You did the right thing by letting go. Sometimes it's the things in life that we can't understand that makes us go crazy. Dementia and alzheimers are 2 of the worse things that can tear a family apart. I know, been through it. It only gets worse, not better. Believe me when I tell you, that you did the right thing in letting professionals take care of your wife. Just visit and check on her as much as you can. My hat is off to you and I hope time will help heal your heart!...CR
been thinking of you guys.there are no words that I can add that your friends on here have not already stated.try to hang in there I know that is easy to say.
I do not know you sir, but I can certainly admire you for what you've been through! The thought of not being able to take care of someone you love is a hurt most of us cannot comprehend until it happens to you. Do NOT blame yourself for any of this! You did the right thing by letting go. Sometimes it's the things in life that we can't understand that makes us go crazy. Dementia and alzheimers are 2 of the worse things that can tear a family apart. I know, been through it. It only gets worse, not better. Believe me when I tell you, that you did the right thing in letting professionals take care of your wife. Just visit and check on her as much as you can. My hat is off to you and I hope time will help heal your heart!...CR
You did the RIGHT thing Chuck & she is in good hands.
I had to go to my Dad's Doctor and get him to sign that he was "incompetent" so I could look after his (mess) estate.
We do what we MUST !!!
Junior
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Government is a broker in pillage, and every election is sort of an advance auction sale of stolen goods. HL Mencken. 1919.
"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever." George Orwell 1984
Just had a great surprise visitor .. Mark "Da Prez" from the ELTA dropped in and we had a good inspiring visit .. Mark is a positive upbeat guy that instills and inspires motivation and good cheer and great words of encouragement where ever he travels..I was very inspired with his visit .. Mark and all the brothers from the ELTA are the best friends you can have..
I felt much better when he left.. and was really glad for the visit.. Good day so far for me.. except my A/C has submitted to the heat.. New furnace and A/C coming in Wednesday.. New GEO thermal water furnace.. That's what I have now so, it should be a one day swap it in.. The one I have now was installed in in 91 and has done a perfect job for 25 /26 years.. never skipped a beat.. The newer one has such improved technology, I will like the wifi activated thermostat to change or adjust it.. It may add some value to the house as I am selling next year and I am selling off all my stuff this fall to get ready to sell the house and property as I am planing to move next year.. Without Diane to finish life off as my best girl.. I can't stay here any more .. This was our home together for almost 40 years .. I doubt I can move on untill I move on.. if that makes any sense .. I will wait untill next year to make sure I make the right decision and take some time to think on it.. This place has way to much work for me to live alone here.. any more.. I can't keep the maintenance up and it would take to much money for one person to live here alone.. nor do I want to at this point..
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There is no elevator to success — you have to take the stairs.
chuck, good to hear from you again bud. the leg is starting to look like a simple wound now the way it appears to be coming along, finally, as it wasn't pretty and getting worse prior. if this is any consolation at all keep in mind you did the absolute best you could do playing the cards you were dealt with diane's situation and the most any person can do is all they can do, no more-no less. something i have learned since my wife passed is that no 2 people will ever go down the same road in a similar situation when it pertains to a loved one, if that helps or means anything also. good luck bud on your new trip, still thinking about you's down this way. rick
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"if you are not the lead dog, the view is all the same"
OK so I a bring back an old post, I know. I was going to PM this but thought I would do it this way. Chuk you seem to be feeling better. You have been more active here again. And I see you changed your tag line as well. I like it. I am thankful you are feeling better. Guessing that you are adapting to your new life style as well. Any plans to come up this way?
You need to stop beating yourself up Chuck, you have went well " above and beyond " at doing the very best you could possibly do given the circumstances. Where most would have thrown in the towel a long time ago had they been faced with your situation, you still had the heart and the will to come out of your corner and do battle. You are a True Champion bud,...ain't nobody including yourself can ever take that away from you. Very happy to hear and see that that leg wound is finally on it's way to healing up, and hope things finally just turn around and get a whole lot better for you.
Thanks guys.. Yes I am very slowly getting back to a life .. It's still pretty lonesome and I have kind of lost my mojo but life is coming back.. I suspect I won't accomplish much this year.. it has been a struggle just to keep up the yard work and maintenance around the home-place.. Still the VON in twice a week to keep cleaning and redressing my leg probably be a month or two yet they tell me before it will be forming any scab to protect it's self.. longest wound I ever had..It was a stupid little thing that turned into a night mare.. Diane and I celebrated a 56th anniversary on the 2nd.. Had to do that in the nursing home.. may well be the last one Diane will be able to know..
