Todays Funny

shag766 · shag766

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decis...

shag766 · shag766

Little Tony ON ENGLISH: Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but i...

shag766 · shag766

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A...

shag766 · shag766

Two guys grow up together. After college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf. At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch. “Where you wanna go?" "Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got the gals with the big r...

shag766 · shag766

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules...

Grumpy50 · Grumpy50

John Deere Hunter Lawn 'n Guardin' Rural assault vehicle - "Nothing guns like a Deere."

Marten · Marten

Subject: CAKE OR BED CAKE OR BED A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ELECTRICIAN WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T T...

shag766 · shag766

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to abeautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold...

shag766 · shag766

AN AVID GOLFER An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" c...

Grumpy50 · Grumpy50

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:• Officer: May I see your driver’s license?• Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.• Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?• Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.• Officer: The...

shag766 · shag766

I already knew I was dumber Than the fifth graders... But now it's the Preschoolers!! A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU Which W ay is the bus below traveling? To the left or to the right? Can't make up your mind? Look carefully at the picture Again. Still don't know? Pre-schoolers all over the U...

Falcon Futura · Falcon Futura

Will I Live to see 85? I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am well past Seventy). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'She asked, 'Do you s...

shag766 · shag766

FARTING IN TIFFANY'S A LADY WALKED INTO TIFFANY'S … SHE LOOKED AROUND, SPOTTED A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKED OVER TO INSPECT IT... AS SHE BENT OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTED... VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKED AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE HAD NOTICE...

shag766 · shag766

Alberta Bear remover... A homeowner in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof. She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for "Alberta Bear Remover." So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's go...

toomuchjunk · toomuchjunk

The proud owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years, and sent this: On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town. It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, but he wanted ice cream, so h...

shag766 · shag766

Mike was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. Mike smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had not...

58chev · 58chev

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists - two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructio...

58chev · 58chev

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindli...

shag766 · shag766

The Lady Golfer A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying Her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had An emer...

shag766 · shag766

A MALE FAIRY TALE Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to ti...

shag766 · shag766

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resortwhere everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a...

shag766 · shag766

Subject: FW: EATING IN THE FIFTIES THIS IS Really Pretty Accurate: EATING IN THE FIFTIES Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti. Curry was a surname. A take-away was a mathematical problem.Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere. Bananas and oranges only appeare...

shag766 · shag766

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chi...

Falcon Futura · Falcon Futura

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after a...

GMDad · GMDad

The Best Divorce Letter, ever ! FIRST LETTER: My Dear husband: I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was t...

Falcon Futura · Falcon Futura

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, howeve...

Falcon Futura · Falcon Futura

We may laugh, but her I.D. is safe.During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento” When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled here eyes and said: “Hello! It has to be...

shag766 · shag766

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watc...

Falcon Futura · Falcon Futura

HOT COFFEE and PRIME MINISTERS I was eating breakfast with my teenaged Granddaughter and I asked her, "What special day was it in Canada yesterday?".Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister Day!" She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister Day mean?" I was waiting f...

parklane · parklane

A Japanese lady goes complains to the bank manager about exchange rates. 'Yesterday, i buy Japan dollars, and cost me 14%." Today, I buy, and cost me 15%" "How come difference?" Manager: " fluctuations" Lady: " Well fluc you Canadians too" Wife complained to her husband about her small breas...

Topic		Started By	Replies	Views	Last Post
	the Bicycle (Preview) I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decis...	shag766	2	836	Aug 18, 2017 by Marten
	your morning giggle (Preview) Little Tony ON ENGLISH: Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but i...	shag766	0	580	Aug 13, 2017 by shag766
	IRISH TALKING CLOCK (Preview) After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A...	shag766	0	801	Aug 11, 2017 by shag766
	"How The Time Flies"...! (Preview) Two guys grow up together. After college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf. At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch. “Where you wanna go?" "Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got the gals with the big r...	shag766	1	675	Aug 8, 2017 by 54vicky
	Older, but maybe not better... (Preview) Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules...	shag766	1	616	Aug 4, 2017 by Marten
	this is how to cut grass (Preview) John Deere Hunter Lawn 'n Guardin' Rural assault vehicle - "Nothing guns like a Deere."	Grumpy50	8	1356	Aug 1, 2017 by 51 Styline
	cake or bed (Preview) Subject: CAKE OR BED CAKE OR BED A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ELECTRICIAN WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T T...	Marten	1	753	Jul 30, 2017 by shag766
	the art of the deal (Preview) A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to abeautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold...	shag766	0	601	Jul 27, 2017 by shag766
	an avid golfer (Preview) AN AVID GOLFER An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" c...	shag766	1	676	Jul 24, 2017 by GMDad
	one way of getting out on a ticket (Preview) A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:• Officer: May I see your driver’s license?• Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.• Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?• Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.• Officer: The...	Grumpy50	2	744	Jul 6, 2017 by red-oak
	PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU (A cute one!) (Preview) I already knew I was dumber Than the fifth graders... But now it's the Preschoolers!! A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU Which W ay is the bus below traveling? To the left or to the right? Can't make up your mind? Look carefully at the picture Again. Still don't know? Pre-schoolers all over the U...	shag766	5	978	Jun 29, 2017 by shag766
	Will I live to see '85? (Preview) Will I Live to see 85? I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am well past Seventy). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'She asked, 'Do you s...	Falcon Futura	1	651	Jun 26, 2017 by shag766
	farting (Preview) FARTING IN TIFFANY'S A LADY WALKED INTO TIFFANY'S … SHE LOOKED AROUND, SPOTTED A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKED OVER TO INSPECT IT... AS SHE BENT OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTED... VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKED AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE HAD NOTICE...	shag766	0	736	Jun 18, 2017 by shag766
	makes sense to me-lol (Preview) Alberta Bear remover... A homeowner in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof. She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for "Alberta Bear Remover." So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's go...	shag766	1	851	Jun 7, 2017 by Janies dirty 37
	today (Preview) The proud owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years, and sent this: On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town. It needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, but he wanted ice cream, so h...	toomuchjunk	6	1142	Jun 4, 2017 by toomuchjunk
	nice ears huh? (Preview) Mike was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. Mike smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had not...	shag766	0	653	May 21, 2017 by shag766
	Hiring an assassin (Preview) The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists - two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructio...	58chev	0	540	May 17, 2017 by 58chev
	An Old Flame (Preview) I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindli...	58chev	4	844	May 17, 2017 by shag766
	no fool like an old fool (Preview) The Lady Golfer A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying Her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had An emer...	shag766	0	646	May 17, 2017 by shag766
	a must read for all males aged 16 years--lmfao (Preview) A MALE FAIRY TALE Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to ti...	shag766	0	709	May 15, 2017 by shag766
	this sounds familiar-lol (Preview) A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resortwhere everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a...	shag766	0	542	May 10, 2017 by shag766
	EATING IN THE FIFTIES (Preview) Subject: FW: EATING IN THE FIFTIES THIS IS Really Pretty Accurate: EATING IN THE FIFTIES Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti. Curry was a surname. A take-away was a mathematical problem.Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere. Bananas and oranges only appeare...	shag766	2	809	May 7, 2017 by tc
	your morning giggle (Preview) An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chi...	shag766	1	694	May 5, 2017 by GMDad
	Lawyers don't lie!! (Preview) A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after a...	Falcon Futura	0	411	May 4, 2017 by Falcon Futura
	Divorce Letter (Preview) The Best Divorce Letter, ever ! FIRST LETTER: My Dear husband: I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was t...	GMDad	1	596	Apr 30, 2017 by Marten
	THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OFFICERS & NCO’S (Preview) A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, howeve...	Falcon Futura	1	498	Apr 30, 2017 by shag766
	Longest password ever! (Preview) We may laugh, but her I.D. is safe.During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento” When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled here eyes and said: “Hello! It has to be...	Falcon Futura	0	636	Apr 28, 2017 by Falcon Futura
	put ur coffee down-lol (Preview) A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watc...	shag766	2	523	Apr 26, 2017 by 123pugsy
	Hot Coffee and Prime Ministers (Preview) HOT COFFEE and PRIME MINISTERS I was eating breakfast with my teenaged Granddaughter and I asked her, "What special day was it in Canada yesterday?".Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister Day!" She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister Day mean?" I was waiting f...	Falcon Futura	0	511	Apr 23, 2017 by Falcon Futura
	Two For The Price of One (Preview) A Japanese lady goes complains to the bank manager about exchange rates. 'Yesterday, i buy Japan dollars, and cost me 14%." Today, I buy, and cost me 15%" "How come difference?" Manager: " fluctuations" Lady: " Well fluc you Canadians too" Wife complained to her husband about her small breas...	parklane	0	497	Apr 23, 2017 by parklane
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